annoying the twilight characters
by miss jane cullen
Summary: how to annoy the twilight characters
1. Chapter 1

I hold no grudge against twilight. I love it to bits just its fun to take the Mick out of it

Jasper

Get every girl to send horny vibes to him

Feel really depressed when you're near him

Remind him that he's not actually linked to the Cullen's in any way

Cut your finger and wave it around saying "oops paper cut are you tempted in anyway."

Keep reminding him about how he nearly killed his brother's girl friend

Victoria

Call her icky Vicky behind her back

When you see her scream and shout "oh my your hair is on fire"

Charlie

Tell him that Edward used to sit in Bella's room all night

Tell him that she got pregnant at 18

Tell him Edward can read his mind

Stand in front of the TV when he's watching baseball

'Accidentally' lose the remote for the TV when his favourite teams playing

When the game is over laugh and announce that you found the remote you were sitting on it all the time

Jane

Constantly remind her that she's second best next to her brother

Call her "ickle janey"

Pour blue paint on her and call her a smurf-that one is number-1-twilighters idea

Talk about how you can't wait to grow up

Remind her that her powers are useless against Bella

Tell her how lucky she is to have such a powerful brother

Billy black

Give him flea repellent for his birthday

Take him to a hill then 'accidentally' let go of his wheel chair

Tell him Jacob could have been with Bella if he'd been more persistent

Buy him a cat

Tell him about how his son is in love with a half vampire

If he needs to go to the doctors take him to the vet


	2. Chapter 2

_**This chapter is dedicated to miss sunshine x just because she is amazing. I love twilight!**_

_**Lea**_

Change her ring tone to I'm hungry like the wolf

Call her a female stripper

Remind her how she is the only female wolf

Talk about how great Sam and Emily are together

_**Edward **_

Sing I'm a Barbie girl in your head

Think about inappropriate things with Bella-that one was AliceCullen21 idea

Wear a team Jacob shirt

Buy him a pet dog

Tell him all about Bella's feelings for Jacob when he left her

Ask him why he loves his hair so much

When he answers say "oh, I thought you must be an Elvis fan"

Burn his classical music

Replace his music with rock songs

Remind him he can't read Bella's mind

_**Bella**_

Watch her every move

Draw every ones attention towards her

Talk about how depressed Jacob is

Say Edward is still seeing Tanya

Say mike committed suicide from depression

Trip her up and say "oh Bella you are so clumsy!"

Talk to her about how her 'human needs for Edward are slightly disturbing'

_**Alice**_

Tell her to stop eating caffeine

Hide her credit cards

Tell her that her fashion sense is 'so last year'

Tell her she needs to get out of the Barbie dress up stage and grow up

Constantly change your mind

When you see her say "hi spike"

Call her the thistle pixie

_**I know I hardly have any feed back but thank you to those who did review! **_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Thank you to Miss Katara x for being a great friend. Just say if **__**you **__**want a chapter to be named after **__**you**__** and I will do my best!**_

_**Jacob**_

Give him a dog treat every time he does something

Ask him what it's like to be in love with the Loch Ness monster

Tell him all about Bella and Edward's honeymoon

Tell him he wasn't persistent enough with Bella

Crash his Volkswagen rabbit

Tell him Lea imprinted on him-another number-1-twilighters idea

_**Renee**_

Tell her that her daughter was pregnant at just 18

Tell her Charlie is madly in love with her

_**Rosalie**_

Tell her you are going to have loads of kids when you grow up.

Change her ring tone to "you're so vain"

Ask her all about her unfortunate marriage

Hide all the mirrors

Lock her up in a room with Jacob

Chuck all her stuff over the boundary line so she can't get it

When she comes over say "hey Barbie"

_**Laurent**_

Make a Campaign against eating humans

Tell him he needs to get in touch with his feminine side

Tell him the volturi killed Irina

Give him a bunch of stuffed Wolves for Christmas and name them after the pack

Call him "Laurie loo"

_**Thank you for the reviews especially from **__**iamnotupsestwithjasper.**_

_**Who should I do next? I am stuck for ideas! Help!**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you to all you lovely people that have reviewed! I am slightly stuck for ideas so please tell me if I'm rambling…here we go…**

**Paul**

Tell him you know a great anger management class

Remind him of the time he almost attacked Bella

Tell him to make up his mind he is either a werewolf or a shape shifter. He can't be both!

Buy him some anti-tick spray

**Sam **

Draw scars on your face and scream "guess who I am"

Keep asking him where Emily got her scars from

Say whoever did that to Emily must be so mean

Ask him if he's guilty for leaving lea

If he tells you to do something say "yes most high and mighty alpha"

**Nessie/Renesme**

Ask her what it's like to be named after the Loch Ness monster

Tell her that her father hated her at first

Ask her what it's like to date a guy who fancied her mother

Remind her of how she almost killed Bella

Tell her that she was actually a mistake

Tell her it's her fault the voltouri came

Tell her Bella wanted a baby boy

**Esme**

Ruin her table

Call her mother goose

Call her granny

**I am stuck for idea's please tell me who you want next!**


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you to all you lovely people that have reviewed! Sadly my computer keeps breaking so I haven't been able to get on it but now I can so here we go!

_**Emmet**_

Set fire to his jeep

Ask him what it's like to take steroids

Tell him Rosalie loves to be called Barbie-he will say it to her

Laugh when she blows her top at him

Remind him he lost an arm wrestling contest to Bella-thx crazyartfreak

Call him "emmykoo"

_**Carlisle **_

Scream and stick a fake knife in your stomach when he runs out say "my bad sorry I was just playing"-crazyartfreak one

Every time you see say "what's up doc"

Ask him why he is religious

When he answers say "oh so what are the laws of draculism" – thx RochelleTwilightlover

Call him gramps

_**Quil**_

Call him "quilt"

Ask him if he thinks it's slightly creepy to fall in love with a toddler

Remind him he will never be alpha wolf

_**Esme **_

Break her best table

Say she's awful at designing houses

Say Bella hated the cottage

Call her "mother goose"

Call her granny

**Thank you for the reviews but I am greedy. Come on you can do better than this!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry i have been so long, but on with the story…**

**The return of Esme!**

Ask her why she is so small

Ask her "is it weird to stand next to a guy who you only come up to his waste next to'

**Jessica**

Tell her all about how lovely Bella and Edwards relationship is

Say that Edward is deeply in love with her but Bella blackmailed him into going out with her

Take her to the movies and keep running out

Take her out on a blind date with Bella and say Edwards involved

When she gets there say "Bella your with Edward and Jessica your with um, um, oh, mike"

Fill up her locker with pictures of Bella and Edward

**Mike**

Call him mikeypoos

Tell him Bella would have been his if only he didn't always look so pervy

**Sorry it's so short ******

**I am looking for an editor for all –or one- of my stories. Contact me if you can!**

**REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! **


	7. Chapter 7

_Sorry if some of these have been harsh before or have offended anyone and sorry if I didn't reply to people who wanted me to. Oh! And __EGGplantISHevyROXurSOX__ it would be wonderful if you could still send me those suggestions x Now on with the…I was going to say story but I suppose…..insults…yes…..ON WITH THE INSULTS!_

**Edward**

Ask him what's it like to be older then your mum

Remind him he has no soul-ghostmctavish

Remind him he's stolen Bella's soul

Remind him that by not using protection he almost killed Bella

Jasper

Ask him how does it feel to lose the civil war Ray-moe-nay

Give him books with all the wrong facts of the war in them-T Achelle Cullen

**Angela**

Tell her she has to write out all of her addressments for graduation again, because they caught fire and were never sent.- Straight Down From Heaven

Tell her that you can't find any of her addressments for graduation day

Once she's written them out again magically find them

**mike(thanks for all your suggestions here Jen)**

Ask him what it feels like to be everyone's second choice

Keep telling how amazing Edward is

Remind him the Cullen's are richer then him

Remind him the Cullen's are stronger then him

Remind him the Cullen's are hotter then him

Remind him the Cullen's are faster then him

Remind him the Cullen's are just Generally better then him

Tell him awesome Bella and Edward's wedding was

That's all I got for now any more will be welcome though I don't know when I'll update, I'm also considering to a weekly advice kind of thing where I can answer any problems people send me in a comic buy useful way, do you think it will work? Please message me.


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